I leave in nine days. Just over a week from this moment and I'll be boarding a plane aimed for Amsterdam. I'll be in Europe. An entirely different continent.
I've been planning this trip for a year. Dreaming about it for a lifetime.
(This is from a couple days ago, but it still stands.)
I can't see myself there. I try to imagine getting off the plane, leaving the airport, taking a bus (or something...still need to research this) from the airport to my hostel. Checking in. Wandering the canal-lined streets.
I can't see it.
But I can feel it.
Every time I try to envision it, my heart races, my feet cool, my face heats. I can almost feel my stomach drop as the plane ascends. I try to think about doing all the things I've dreamt about--and I'm utterly overcome with disbelief that it will happen.
It's happening, though. It's real. The tickets are bought, the hostel is booked. I'm going to Europe. Alone.
HOW did this happen? How did I sum up the courage and/or stupidity to buy that first ticket?
I don't feel brave. I know I've said this, but it's still true. I'm so scared. What if I can't do it? What if I get there and I freeze? Break down? What if I have to book a ticket back home before I even leave the airport?
I think that's my biggest fear. Not pickpockets, or running out of money, or not being able to communicate, or getting lost. It's the fear that I won't even give myself the chance to try.
It's one thing to book the flight. An entirely different thing to actually get on the plane.
I have to do it. Not because I don't want to disappoint anyone or waste the money I've already spent. But because I owe it to myself. I need to make this dream a reality. I need to go out in the world--alone--and find out who I am. I need to give myself the chance to try, to claim that independence, that confidence, those experiences for myself.
This trip is for me and only me. It's not to reclaim these places from my past or to make anyone jealous. I know that on the other side, when I come back, I'll be a different person.
And while that is a thrilling thought, it's also a scary one.
Change is scary. New things are scary. The whole damn world is scary.
I just want to be brave enough to face it.
I hope I will be.
I KNOW I will be.
In the meantime, I should probably put all this nervous energy into finishing the revision on my damn book...